1. Smock tops. Designed to make everyone look pregnant, thus giving managers nightmares and maximising the number of embarrassing exchanges between women who haven’t seen each other for a while. Ideally these smocks should have small ties at the back, which will come undone and trail behind us, and they will also be:
- Very long. Contrary to popular belief, tunic tops do not make fat women look thin. They make thin women look fat.
- In plaid. Yes that’s right – remember grunge?
- Frilly (pictured). Looks as if something is growing on your shirt
- With tabs on the sleeves so that you can fasten them up and make your arms look fat too.
2. Worn with leggings, skinny jeans, or some vile new concoction called jeggings
3. And either very high heels or flat pumps, both of which damage your feet
4. And a huge, very expensive, handbag.
However, all is not lost - that’s only for daytime casual wear. If I want to look smart I can choose a short swing jacket and pair it with ankle length skinny trousers and (again) high heels and a huge bag. Or a pencil skirt in which I cannot walk. And everything should be covered in sequins.
Well bugger that. This autumn, I’ll be looking out for:
· Smart black trousers that fit
· Black jeans that fit
· Black leather ankle boots with a small heel
· A fitted black leather jacket
· A new suit, probably black pin-stripe
· Colourful merino wool jumpers and cardigans
· Black Converse
· Even more scarves
· Something to wear to formal dinners, always a problem
· A decent haircut
If I manage to find half of them it’ll be a good year. But I’ll have fun trying.